Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
