I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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