Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
