He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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