I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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