what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
This house was built for laser tag.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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