I'm so fucking centered right now
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
