idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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