Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
