I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
