she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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