Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
