my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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