I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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