If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
