I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
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I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
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They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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