This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
