Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
