my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
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Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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