I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
