2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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