Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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