This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
