Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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