I skipped work to stalk him.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
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