Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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