based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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