dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
