his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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