she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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