Even the bartender felt bad for me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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