In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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