I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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