whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
