She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
