im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
