Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
