Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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