I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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