I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
