i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
