I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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