Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
