she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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