I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
