So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
