Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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