I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
