you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
