My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
