I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
