i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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