dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.