so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
