Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
