all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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