whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
