OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
