If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
