I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
